so that means what….?
Sometimes I only come on here to vent. Maybe in the slight hope that it will help me diffuse the situation mentally, compress the emotions and keep moving forward. Maybe I just want the opinion of a total stranger. Someone who doesn’t know me or my situation; either way; it’s time to vent.
So I’ve had an eternal crush on a boy. Okay he’s no longer a boy, he’s a man. We’ve known each other since second grade (yes, 17 years, we counted) and we reunited a few months ago at the gym. He’s basically everything I’ve ever wanted in a relationship, but here’s where the issue begins.
The first time we met up again things were natural, not forced and comfortable. In those hours I spent with him and his friends I felt like it was something so wonderful. I laughed and smiled like I hadn’t in so long. I had forgotten what it was like to be happy until he came back into my life. I know that sounds like such a strong statement, but let’s be real here, I’ve had the year from hell. When he reappeared in my life, I had just started my new job, I have great friends and things felt good for the first time in a long time.
When we were together that first time we legitimately spent hours talking about the things we’ve missed in the last 6 years that we haven’t been in each others lives. He told me about the passing of his father, his mom’s stroke and how he cares for his older sister. The openness with his emotions was a little startling for me (I’m used to closed off and shut down.)
The next time we were together a few weeks later he called me on a day where I needed to have some fun. He forced me to be spontaneous and I remember that evening with a big smile. I loved the idea that he pushed me to do things I wouldn’t normally do. Being next time him felt like second nature. Even though it was only the second time we had spent an extended period of time together. I spent the next day hanging out with his best friend/roommate Kari while he was at work. She and I clicked instantaneously, and I thought that maybe, just maybe this would work the way I wanted it to.
But after that, we didn’t speak, for almost a month. I was busy. He was preoccupied. Or at least that’s what I like to tell myself. I tried hard not to get too attached to him or the idea of him. That proved to be hard; after all the years of knowing him and knowing the things that we shared and exchanged, it was hard to keep my distance.
I let things be though. I waited for weeks to see if I would see him at the gym or hear from him. I didn’t. That was tough. And right now is the first time I’ve admitted that.
So after about a month, I decided I’d take matters into my own hands. So I contacted him. And it was like we had never spent a second apart. We decided to hang out once again and once again it was like nothing had changed. Things were natural and comfortable. I laughed and smiled and giggled. All because I was with him. He kept saying things that made me wonder if this was something more for him too. It’s so hard to explain in words, but I felt like there was something so different in our being together.
When I left he told me he wanted to come to church with me sometime. When I texted a few days later and told him I had a good time he said “me too baby.” I melted.
But now, once again the chatter has stopped and we’re once again in the place of I don’t knows. I’m mentally stuck in this limbo of should I contact him or not. I’m choosing the latter. Because I’m trying to teach myself that if he wants to be with me, near me, around me, etc. he’ll make it a point to do so.
And if that never happens, I need to be okay with that. As tough as it might be, this could be nothing. But I will be grateful for him pulling my out of my funk. That means more than anything else ever could.
